yes, sadly enough, it’s all true
i wish you would hold me like that when you’re sober. i watered the flowers outside my building with vodka and you came to me, carried me up to bed, kissed me on the cheek. and i can only fall asleep when you’re next to me or when i’m imagining you next to me and once, that was okay because you were here more often than you were not, but now you’re not and i’m lost. i’m tired of inventing reasons for you to need me. i get so scared thinking of the ways we could ruin. at what point do you leave a friend that swears they love you with their whole heart? at what point do you know someone is more pain than they’re worth? the truth is, i don’t think you’ll ever be worth less than the hurt to me. the truth is, i keep imagining us falling and breaking but the other night you told me you are so much better than what i deserve. the truth is, three days ago you held me like i’d longed for for the past three months and all it did was make me remember how it felt waking up to you and “coming home” to you and it made me ache everywhere. i’m not sure now when i’m crying out of overwhelm, out of fear, out of love, or our of genuine sadness. i’m so scared that i don’t know you anymore. the past three nights i’ve gone to bed either high or drunk. at what point will you realize this is the only time i’m ever honest? if i stop trying, will you start? how much do i have to love you before you consider the fact that maybe that’s not just words for me? how many cigarettes do i have to burn? i’m counting the days since i last was significant - did something worthwhile, felt something nameable and real. i am so scared. i am so, so scared. there are three weeks left in the semester. my best friends are moving this week. you forget my name until you remember how much pain i’ve caused you and how much less beautiful my tears are than hers, because sometimes she is strong. in bed with you, i was drunk and scared and i said, don’t let go of me. and you said, i won’t. i hope you don’t. i hope you realize i don’t only need you when you’re available. i feel like we’re always saying important things and yet we’re like strangers in real life. i’m tired of watching you wipe away other people’s tears when you don’t have the time for mine. you hurt me you hurt me you hurt me you cause me agony and selfishness but i love you more than my heart because i want to wish us into being important to each other again. and we still are. maybe we still are. maybe i need to stop doubting that. maybe that’s the whole problem. maybe the whole problem is that there are a thousand people as good as me in your life and no one as good as you in mine. i love you for everything you promised me and how freely you say i love you and how you looked at me when you loved me and how you look at me now when we’re drinking smirnoff out of a water bottle on a bench in the park, and you tell me the only good thing about me smoking is how sexy i look doing it. i love you because tomorrow was a frightening word for both of us, once. i love you because in some way we were meant to find each other, and we did. even if it’s broken now. even then. even then.
…no, i don’t imagine these are attractive traits. and yeah, i’m aware.
i love people more than is good for me, and i care about their happiness more than my own. but at the same time, i am incredibly selfish and dependent. and no, there are enough things to occupy my energy, i just tend to focus on people rather than things.